Deserve. Allow. Receive.

It’s been a long time since I felt like I had a good cry.  My body has just been clinging onto whatever it is that it doesn’t want to let go of.  In class tonight I finally felt like things were starting to shed more and more and I was able to have a release.  However, not having eaten all day because I got so busy, and let my brain run me around, I lost the connection to my body, which I have been working so hard to stay in tune with.

I realized tonight how much of a transformation my life has been these last 5 years.  I realized that I haven’t really taken the time to stop and slow down and life just keeps whipping me in the face but I just whip right back and I keep going and going and going and I stand tall and proud and powerful.  But you know what, sometimes I crumble too.  

This last week has been a big part of that journey.  It’s the storm and the sunsets and the eclipses all rolling in at once, beautiful, but overwhelming.And I had forgotten how much of an empath I am and it has bee a real challenge for me this week.  In my teaching and in my relationships.  If you’re not sure what an Empath is, I can describe myself a little in hopes that you will understand and perhaps even relate.

As far back as 5 years old, I have been blessed with, and also cursed ,  with being able to absorb other peoples emotions and sometimes physical symptoms because I am so very sensitive.  I filter the world though my intuition and more and more I feel as though I have a difficult time intellectualizing my feelings. It has become a real frustration for me.  So I have been trying to figure out how to tap into it and utilize it to my advantage.  

I feel like the universe is doing it’s thing and aligning me in exactly the places I need to be, but sometimes just feeling so much is difficult and this incapability of intellectualizing my feelings has got me like WHOA!  I can’t figure it out.  I can do all the Reiki sessions, and take all the yoga classes, and meditate more, but I can feel that my body needs a literal clearing, and I am curious as to what advice, or if you have this similar experience and what do YOU do?

My only conclusion is that I need to stop the 1,000 things I am doing, experience my feelings (alone), create space for my needs and do the things to meet them. So, I am making sure I take those actions with me into next week,  as I am embark on my journey to teach at the Singularity Summit in San Francisco and then off to Portland for Camp Yes For Women.  It’s funny because I realize that I am feeling emotionally the exact same way I was last year at this time.  And I know getting the fuck out of dodge, AKA Los Angeles, is something that I just need to do in order to survive living here.  And to take the time to remember it’s all connected.   All of my gifts, and my circumstances, and my purpose, and my journey, and my destiny, everything is molding me.  So as a wise friend said to me this evening, “Surrender, accept and release.”

I feel like the universe is doing it’s thing and aligning me in exactly the places I need to be, but sometimes just feeling so much is difficult and this incapability of intellectualizing my feelings has got me like WHOA.  Wait, I said that already.  I really mean it!   My only conclusion is that I need to stop the 1,000 things I am doing, experience my feelings (alone), create space for my needs and do the things to meet them.

So, I am making sure I take those actions with me into next week as I am embark on my journey to teach at the Singularity Summit in San Francisco and then off to Portland for Camp Yes For Women.  It’s funny because I realize that I am feeling emotionally the exact same way I was last year at this time.  And I know getting the fuck out of dodge, AKA Los Angeles, is something that I just need to do in order to survive living here.  And to take the time to remember it’s all connected. All of my gifts, and my circumstances, and my purpose, and my journey, and my destiny, everything is molding me.  So as a wise friend said to me this evening, “Surrender, accept and release.”

So It’s time to tap into that frequency, that vibration that has always always been calling me forward.  I deserve, I allow, I receive,  I deserve  to have the best experience,  the fullness of life,  this universe has to offer.   I allow and I get out of the way and surrender  to that which is beyond my mind, beyond anything I  can conceive or comprehend.  I receive the love of my practice and the power of my breath, and I receive the power in this movement.  Here I am again, healing through my practice.  And it's free.  And below are just a few things I have been letting go of to create more of this space.  There may be a thing or two in there that you can let go of as well.  I encourage you to think about it.

I have been letting go of…

Old relationships

Lopsided friendships

Negative People

General Toxicity in my life

Worry

Dread

Self Bashing

The things that haven’t happened yet

The things or the people I am not passionate about

Approval and Validation

So Let it go, not for good, just for now…clear up energetic space and energy.

Release whatever is no longer serving you, create space for that which inspires you and let go of the need to have it all figured out.  See if you can surrender to what is.

And on that note, good night, I love you for reading this, and I love you for you are human, just like me.

The Strongest Symbol Around: The Triangle

I have been asked often what the triangles mean that I had tattooed on my arms.  I think I get asked every week what they mean.  So I figured I would take a moment and get myself writing to explain why and what they mean to me.  There are so many different meanings behind the triangle.  There is the masculine and feminine energies they represent, the fire or the water depending on which way they are facing, the holy trinity, spirit, and strength to name a few.

For myself, my first triangle tattoo represented the Universe as a whole, and it’s resilience.  When you look into triangles you start to understand that no matter how much pressure you put on any of its sides it is impossible to break.  The foundations of a triangle are strong and everything that a triangle needs comes from within.

I had spent many shaky years, falling apart, coming back together, and falling apart again.  It was like I was a triangle but I was missing one side.   I kept looking outside of myself for things to soothe and calm and anything to prop me up and keep me going.

I was in a constant search for self approval, love, support, needing to be seen.  Always looking outside instead of in.  Anytime there was pressure from someone or something I made sure that I held it together.  I became an expert on holding things together, and everyone else.  I was also in a constant state of anxiety and fear.  At any moment one of those sides of my triangle could come crumbling down.  Well, it wasn’t just one side, it was all three that eventually collapsed.  I had reached my limit and exhaustion had taken over on so many levels.

There came a point where every side of my being, my three sides of my triangles, all had collapsed and I found myself completely lost and broken and very alone.  Luckily, I was able to tap into my resiliency.  I was able to go deep into my practice and look within and realized I can source everything from inside me that I needed to carry on.  It was a long journey, and sometimes I still feel as though there is one side of my triangle that needs a little more support.  But it’s those foundations that are strong, that I have built from within, that keep me standing today.

My second tattoo consists of two triangles, representing both the masculine and the feminine.  The fire and the water.  The sun and the moon.  The Yin and the Yang.  Just a reminder to keep my foundations balanced and not to let things get out of control.  

What do triangles mean to you?  Do they have power in your life?

Takoja

I was in New Mexico for a retreat with about 40 other people. As I stepped out of the Adobe in New Mexico I looked up at the dark sky, lit by what I thought was going to be the sun because it was about 5:16 AM. It wasn’t the sun. It was the Moon. The moon appeared to be setting before the sun had yet to rise. The air was cool but it was perfect, as it felt like a morning embrace. Only one other human being was awake to see it. I was up early for my yoga practice and He was up to sketch, as he was an artist. My jaw dropped. It was perfect. Neither of us could speak. A few hours later I found myself teaching a yoga class in front of a Teepee we had built that morning. 40 acres of sage land below my feet, and at the end of class I took a deep breath. I gave thanks to the students, and I looked around to see I wasn’t the only one feeling emotional. I knew I was there because I had made a firm conviction in my life choices. My Shraddha. My Shraddha had led me to this moment and fuck… it felt good. In case you are new to this word, here are a few definitions that will help to explain.

General Definition (in Hinduism)

1) Śraddhā (श्रद्धा) is a Sanskrit term loosely translated as “faith”. It is important in Hindu, Jain, and Buddhist literature and teachings. It can be associated with faith, trust, confidence, and loyalty. Sri Aurobindo describes Śraddhā as “the soul’s belief in the Divine’s existence, wisdom, power, love and grace.”
2) Śrāddha (श्राद्ध) is a Sanskrit word, which literally means ‘anything or any act that is performed with all sincerity and faith (śraddhā)’. In the Hindu religion, it is the ritual that one performs to pay homage to one’s ‘ancestors’ (pitṛs), especially to one’s dead parents.

 In Buddhism

General definition (in Buddhism)
Shraddhā (śraddhā), Skt., lit. “belief, faith”; (Pali saddhā); the inner attitude of faith and devotion toward the Buddha and his teaching. Shraddhā is the basis of the first two elements of the eightfold path—perfect view and perfect resolve. In the Mahāyāna shraddhā plays an even more important role, being regarded as the virtue out of which all the others develop and which opens the door of liberation to even those who do not have the self-discipline to tread the path of meditation. In Buddhism, however, faith in the sense of “pure faith” of Christianity is out of place. Shraddhā consists rather in the conviction that grows in students through their own direct experience with the teaching; blind faith in the words of the Buddha and the master goes against the spirit of Buddhism, and the Buddha himself warned his followers against it. Trust and belief in the Buddha Amitābha is nevertheless the principal factor in the practice of the Pure Land School, which is often described as a “Way of Faith.”

So why am I writing this? I wonder what your Shraddha is, or if you are aware of it? Are you making choices in your life with a firm conviction? Once I became aware of my Shraddha my life changed dramatically. I chose to leave a career I disliked and do what I love. I teach. I teach yoga. I get to be
myself, and share my experiences and stories in order to help others. I have a lot more stories to share; the ones I know that could really inspire, but have been hard for me to talk about. By creating this blog I hope to continue to heal myself as well as my students. For that I am tremendously grateful.

So, again, what is your Shraddha? If we only have one shot at this life, don’t we want to do the things that fill us with immense joy? Give endless love and receive endless love. We we need to appreciate this vessel we have been given to explore this earth and respect it for all it has given us?

My yoga practice has led me to my Shraddha. Without yoga I wouldn’t be here and with out you I wouldn’t be here to share my practice. Whether you think you are young or old, or weak or strong, or happy or sad, yoga is for you. It’s for everyone. It’s not just for those that can bend in half and put their legs behind their head. I would say majority of us didn’t come out of the womb like a pretzel. That’s why it’s a yoga practice. Most of you are practicing it right now and don’t even know it!

I look forward to sharing my adventures with you future and past. I hope you will enjoy them too and please message me your stories, your adventures!

www.takoja.org